ON FRIDAY THE 20TH IN THE YEAR OF OUR GOOD LORD BOTSTEIN 2013, AT APPROXIMATELY 7:30 IN THE EVENING, A GAME OF CAPTURIN’ FLAGS WILL BE PLAYED ON THE GROUNDS OF THE BLITHEWOOD ESTATE BETWEEN THE BARD FREE PRESS AND LUX LITERARY MAGAZINE.
BECAUSE DEMOCRACY IS PRETTY FUCKING COOL, THIS DOCUMENT WAS SUBMITTED TO THE SPEAKER OF THE STUDENT BODY, ROSETTE CIRILLO, AND WAS RATIFIED.
I. The Game shall be Played by two Teams, with membership on either Team being determined by an individual’s involvement in either Lux Literary Magazine or the Bard Free Press, all Players being subject to a rigorous background check to be performed by the Judicial Branch of Bard Student Government; any Players engaging in Willful Deceit or Impersonation will receive a stern lecture.
II. The Game will consist primarily of Flags, and the attempts of Players to engage in the Capturin’ of said Flags.
III. The Field of Play will be determined and agreed upon by Representatives from members of each Team prior to the initiation of Capturin’, and each Team will be appointed and recognized as the Sovereign Ruler of a Territory whose contents include a Jail and an area for the sole purpose of Flag-Keeping. The Field of Play and its various features will be indicated by various brightly colored Objects, and will not be subject to change – except by an Executive Order originating from the Speaker of the Student Body – once the Game has begun.
IV. The Rules of the Game will be Enforced by two Referees; the Esteemed Zappa Graham and the Honorable Alexander D’Alisera.
V. The Game will Begin when both Referees loudly and clearly say “DABO TIBI CORONAM VITAE.” Proper pronunciation is encouraged, but not required.
VI. The Flags of each Team will be physical copies of their most recent Publication, and each Flag will be investigated thoroughly by the Referees for any Tampering and to ensure that the Flag shall perform adequately as such.
VII. The Uniforms of each Team will be decided upon by its Members, with the stipulation that the Uniforms selected must allow for Distinctions to be made between the Teams, and that all Players on a Team must wear a Uniform of some sort. Nudity, unless the result of an Accident during the Game, is not to be considered a Uniform, although exceptions may be made if said Nudity is judged to be of particular Artistic or Cultural Merit by the Referees.
VIII. Each Team, regardless of how many members it may have, is allowed to have ten (10) Players participating in the Game at a given point of time. However, any Player on either Team may, of their own free will, select a Substitute for themselves from their Team; the Player who requests a Substitute will then Remove themselves from the Field of Play, and the Substitute will Enter the Field of Play and be recognized by all parties as a Player. Substitutions can be made for any reason, including but not limited to Smoke Breaks, Injuries, and Damaged Pride, but Players must: 1) be on their own Team’s Territory when they initiate Substitution, and 2) announce their intention to Substitute by loudly and clearly saying “Initiate Substitution.” One or both of the Referees must
provide a verbal Acknowledgement of the Substitution following this by saying “Substitution Granted!” There is no limit to the amount of Substitutions a Player can Initiate or take part in during a Game, unless, in the eyes of one or both of the Referees, the number of Substitutions is considered to be Utterly Obnoxious or Fairly Rude.
IX. Cigarette Smoking during the Game by Players is allowed, but Players must dispose of their Cigarette Butts appropriately; if a Player fails to do so, they will be sent to the Opposing Team’s Jail.
X. A Player, while in the Opposing Team’s Territory, can be Tagged by a Player on the Opposing Team. If the Player is Tagged, they go to the Opposing Team’s Jail. To Escape from Jail, a Player on the Captured Player’s Team must touch the Captured Player. Both the Captured Player and Player who touched them are allowed to walk back to their Team’s Territory without being accosted by Players on the Opposing Team.
XI. Players must, while attempting to Protect their Team’s Flag from Capturin’, maintain a Distance from it at all times; the specifics of this Distance will be determined at the time that Representatives from the Teams decide on the size and qualities of the Field of Play.
XII. Players must, while attempting to Guard their Teams’ Jail, maintain a Distance from it at all times; the specifics of this Distance will be determined at the time that Representatives from the Teams decide on the size and qualities of the Field of Play.
XIII. Sitting on the Flag and/or Other Types of Physical Obstruction are agreed upon by all parties to be considered Total Bullshit and Not How You Play The Game.
XIV. A Successful Capturin’ of the Flag is defined as when a Player from one Team has crossed into the other Team’s Territory, evaded Capture by their Players, picked up the Flag, and returned to their own Team’s Territory without dropping the Flag or being Captured by the other Team’s Players.
XV. The Team who succeeds in Capturin’ the Opposing Team’s Flag four (4) times will be declared the Winner, and the Game will end.
a. After either Team has succeeded in Capturin’ the Opposing Team’s Flag two (2) times, there will be a fifteen minute recess.
XVI. The Loser of the Game must Dedicate the next issue of their Publication to the Winner of the Game. The form or content of this Dedication is up to the Loser, but must:
a. Explicitly mention the full title of the Winning Team (either Lux Literary Magazine or Bard Free Press).
b. Be Visible and Readily Apparent in the Publication.
c. Praise the Athletic and Intellectual virtues of the Winning Team.
XVII. Rain or Other Varieties of Poor Weather are not to be used as Reasons to Cancel or Postpone the Game.
MAY THE SPOILS OF WAR OUTWEIGH THE COSTS OF VICTORY.
written by Virginia Woolf, from Mrs Dalloway
written by Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin